Being ill is boring. We’ve had over a decade of being in pain, but since July it’s been more than your standard everyday chronic pain. It’s been stuff I can’t grit my teeth and ignore. It’s like constant chronic acute pain, which no matter how many painkillers, heat pads, massages, stretching I throw at it just won’t piss off. So it’s sort of taken over my forethoughts a for a while.
Now I’m just bored of it. And frankly, if I’m bored of it, those around me must be sick to death of it all and my incessant introspective essays. To those people, I’m sorry for all the whining.
The latest seed of self doubt was sewn when I read a blog today about psychosomatic pain. Shit. Is this all in my head? I have photos of my wonky joints & a bloody diagnosis, but after a decade of being told there’s nothing on the MRI, it can’t hurt that much, you need to man up, the little voice telling you that you just have a low pain threshold and it’s all in your head rings loud & clear. “You’re just being sensitive”, “you’ve probably just bruised the bone” – standard phrases since pre-teens.
Is reading up about my diagnosis not actually arming myself with how to protect my joints from more injury, or against doctors who just don’t have the information about EDS? Where I thought I was creating constructive information, have I just become ‘that patient’? Oh god, please don’t let me be ‘that patient’.
(My pain threshold is quite high – tears that have been around recently, were distinctly absent when I broke my elbow or ruptured 2 discs or broke my nose… 3 times. It’s my tolerance for constant bloody acute pain that is rather lacking)
Perhaps ignorance was bliss. I’m a self confessed control freak, and having a massively out of control body combined with a lack of specific advice and information is sending me round the bend. Incessant blogging and fretting appears to be my way of coping.
I will man up about this eventually. Possibly when the lift is fixed at work and it doesn’t take me a full 10 minutes to get up to my office & pop my elbow out from balancing on my crutch. More likely, when I feel more in control. For now I just feel very alone and frightened and a bit of a hypochondriac because no one can see what hurts.