No Sex For US Please. We’re Disabled.

This time tomorrow night Mr Geek & I will be all tucked up in a our new bed. We waited for the sales,  then used the back payment for my PIP to buy an adjustable bed so I could raise my feet at night & sit up when needed. In order to do this, we had to by 2 single beds and have them fixed together with a bracket. Of course what this meant was were going from a double bed to a superking size (6ft wide).

We know that having an adjustable bed is going to make a massive difference to my (and consequently, his) quality of sleep. But this brought up 2 very interesting points:

1. Adjustable beds aren’t normal size in terms of length, so require “special” bedding. Of course, because it’s linked to disability, the price tag rockets. Being disabled is expensive. Even a clean sheet to sleep on costs more. This irks me.

2. People make assumptions about our relationship now.

“Why not just have them as single beds?”
“You should have single quilts, not king size. Then you have one each.”
“It’ll be nice having a bed to yourself. Then she won’t keep you awake when she’s having a bad night.”

All of this roughly being translated as “you’re not in a proper relationship where you have sex anymore”. Well more fool you bedding judges. We may have 2 single mattresses, but we have a giant duvet to share because being disabled doesn’t automatically stop your libido. Sure, we have to make adjustments – dislocating a hip during orgasm is a sure fire way to put of most partners. If anything, losing my and being in pain has created a stronger physical bond as we spend more timobilityme soothing aching muscles & bones with warm oil & stones. This requires nudity. And, well…

For those finding themselves sinking slowly into reduced mobility (or careering down like an out of control skydiver like I did), all is not lost in the boudoir department, but I’ve learnt a few things this past year.

If it isn’t comfortable, don’t do it.
You might have been able to reverse cowgirl with full yee ha’s last year, but if your body is complaining, you’re not going to.enjoy it. You shouldn’t ever feel compelled to do something that you don’t enjoy. If it’s not working for you, try something else.

Relearn how your body works
You’ve been presented with a body that stopped functioning as you expected it to. With such frequent subluxations,  I discovered that an orgasm in the wrong position landed me with my pelvis out & a pain flare through my back for days. So we went back to basics.
On your own, or together, investigate how things feel now. What I’m suggesting here is masturbation. There, I said it. It’s far more gentle than full penetration, and allows you to use mindfulness techniques where you are aware of where your body is as things start to feel nice.

Use props
Maybe not the ones you’re thinking of. I’m talking wedges and pillows here. Create your own special sexy nest where you’re not having to support yourself on painful joints. There are plenty of tips where a pillow is suggested under the hips – take this a step further by supporting anything that needs supporting. Gym ball… I’ll just leave that idea hanging there for you.

Massage isn’t just medicine
When we receive (and give) massage, the neurohormone dopamine is increased. This not only improves our mood, but makes us cope with pain easier. Relieving pain before even suggesting any other naked fun is a good plan in itself. Using trigger point massage (aka pressing on those painful muscle knots which are generally found around the shoulder & neck) stimulates the release of endorphins – the same hormone released during exercise. These not only help reduce pain now, but can continue having an effect for up to 48 hours. 
In addition to dopamine, our levels of serotonin are increased with massage, affecting our overall mood. With serotonin also known as “the live drug”, creating a scenario where we are relaxing and  feeling less pain will automatically predispose us to sexy time.

So there. Lessons learned for #TLDR
– only do stuff you want to do
– masturbate more
– use pillows
– massage more  in non-naughty areas
– oh, and make your bedroom a nice place to be

We bought the prettiest duvet set with butterflies on them! This is utterly unlike Mr Geek, but we (I) spend so much time in bed these days that we’re trying to make it as welcoming as possible. We both like purple,  so have gone for a white and purple theme for the room.

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Stock image of our bed set - I'll upload the real thing soon!

To finish this all off, I ordered a white butterfly lampshade and 3d stick on wall butterflies to go over the corner wall.

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I’ve never wanted a girly bedroom before, but we threw each other a curveball on this one. We’ve gone from a Marvel Hero duvet set to 3d butterflies. Maybe we’re finally growing up…

Sources : http://www.pacificcollege.edu/news/blog/2014/11/08/neurohormonal-effects-massage-therapy

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14 thoughts on “No Sex For US Please. We’re Disabled.

  1. Beautiful! Mr. Mango and I often talk about getting an adjustable king (aka two singles) and always end up against it due to custom bedding of all things! It never occurred to us that people would think two singles may be easier or that the reason behind it being ok is lack of a sex life. If anything I think better sleep and less sore exhaustion is going to help in that area 😉 YAY for a new bed, I hope you guys have a great first night’s SLEEP!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. How (typically) awesome of you to discuss so matter-of-factly this subject that most would try to ignore. Or would assume wasn’t a thing. When my co-author and I wrote about life with a depressed partner we felt it was important to cover the major changes in sexual expression that can take place in a relationship that includes a depressed person. We received a lot of thankful comments from readers for that honesty, and I imagine many people will be glad to read your thoughts in this area, as well.

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  3. Thank you for writing this. Its been in my mind for a while but I couldn’t figure out how to write something similar.
    It wasn’t until I met my husband that I found out I could enjoy sex. With my ex husband it was a horrifically painful thing to endure and fake surviving it. Now, however, I have 3 children. You are so correct in saying that you have to find what works for you and that can change from day to day. Just because we’re disabled and in pain doesn’t mean we stop being human and having a sex drive.

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  4. Even for those of us not in a committed relationship, I think it’s helpful to read these types of posts. Intimacy can be a touchy subject yes, but it’s an important part of life, period. I commend you for the well thoughtout & written post on the subject, period.

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  5. I’m trying to save for an adjustable bed. I need one so much! On the nights my partners stays over, he often (despite being horny) will say he doesn’t want to because he is afraid of hurting me. I keep telling him, if I lived my sex life around my illness, I’d never get any! Sod that! We’ve worked out a new position and prop my hips with cushions and it’s great. 🙂

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  6. Pingback: Let’s Talk About Sex Baby…. | The Hippy Geek

  7. Pingback: When sex hurts: Sex and chronic pain – Unlocking Words

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