It’s December in the northern hemisphere and yet here I am laying on the sofa with an electric hand fan trying to cool myself down and feel less weird.
I’ve not blogged for a bit as I’ve been struggling to keep functioning & when I ceased functioning, I was struggling to regain functionality! There are a good few people, some close by who are struggling far more than me right now and I wish I was able to find answers for them too.
Thursday I conked out having utterly overdone it at work and had the worst car journey home. Mr Geek picked me up from school Thursday evening as it was our 10th wedding anniversary and we had an evening of cuddles & films planned. He’d dropped me off that morning not at my best (OK, I was woozy and nauseous and finding it hard to focus – not brilliant teacher qualities). By the time he picked me up I was a lot worse. I could barely keep my eyes open and was either sleeping or passing out in the car, I’m not wholly sure, but each time I snapped awake I felt intensely car sick and in too much pain to tolerate. A 30 minute journey felt like it lasted hours.
Once we got home, I laid my head on Mr Geek’s lap and fell asleep with him stroking my head (Romance isn’t dead, but it is sleepy). This was followed by a fitful night of insomnia from pain, wild fluctuations in external body temperature, and palpitations. Suffice to say I wasn’t having fun. Friday just wasn’t going to happen. I called work, set cover lessons and collapsed in a crumple back on my bed. I vaguely remember saying goodbye to the girls and Mr Geek, but nothing existed in my world aside from sleepy acknowledgement of purring from Thomas our cat who kept me company until I woke up just after midday.
Aside from still feeling hungover (?!), I felt more alert Friday afternoon and even managed to watch a film with Mr Geek whilst he wrapped presents in the evening. Weirdly, that worried me more than feeling unwell – what if the only way to feel vaguely normal is to stop and rest more than I am? What if I do actually need to nap? Teachers can’t nap. Teachers can’t just have a rest – after staying alert all day, teachers need to keep going with admin, planning, feedback and more feedback with those bloody green pens. Teachers can’t fall to pieces because they’ve attended just 4 out of 14 parents evenings. That’s insane. I need to get a grip.
Saturday followed similar lines, with us taking the girls to collect their kung fu black part 1 sashes in super proud parent style. It also saw final relief from some seriously unpleasant slow transit stomach issues (*** TMI poopy talk alert!!! *** ) which the pharmacist had suggested I treat with lactulose – it had been having very little effect despite increasing the dose to over 40ml. In the end I resorted back to Ducolax which prompted at least some movement even if it was not the nice nor painless version lactulose promises. This prompted me to chase my referral to professor #2 who is meant to be looking into my stomach, slow transit, and inability to eat more than a bit of solid food each day. I’ve felt nauseous since August – it’s not funny anymore.
Today started in a productive way with me sitting up in bed and wrapping the presents that Mr Geek can’t do… it would seem a bit mean to make him wrap his own stuff just because my hands are being crap. And actually, they’re not too bad today. After 3 presents, various bits of me were complaining loudly at being forced to hold scissors and pinch paper. By 5 presents, I had to sit on my hands to “smooth them out”. Totally worth it for him.
Seeing as the kids wanted a Darth Vader tree, we’ve colour co-ordinate the wrapping paper because hey, why make life easy? 😉
Mid morning, we met friends that we’d been promising to see for weeks for bowling (my role was chief taker of photos) which the kids just loved. It also gave Mr Geek a chance to unwind with the kids. Robowheels really came into their own here as I could sit in a corner with my blanket and chat whilst the others weren’t throwing shiny balls down a wooden ramp towards poor defenseless pins.
Just these two thing took me back to my previous knackered state, but we had also promised to pop in and see Mr Geek’s parents which is a weekly visit that we all enjoy. By the end of this though I was back to eyelids trying to glue themselves together and feeling sick. Any attempt at pacing over the past few days had gone out of the window and I’d blown it.
A new development in this body crapping out thing is the even more overwhelming tired – I’m getting used to standard fatigue where I feel more tired than I thought possible, but this is like melting into the floor tired coupled with nasty Alice in Wonderland spinning head, and muscle aches like I’ve been overdoing it at the gym. (Ha! Some hope!)
I did my standard swoony thing getting up just after dinner and checked out to see if my heart was raised – I’d gone from 53bpm to 104bpm which explains the swooning, but none of the other stuff.
In massive contrast to how I started this blog post, half way through writing I was under a duvet with the heated blanket on as I was doing an excellent impression of an icicle. So far the specialists have banded the dysautonomia diagnosis about between them and at me and hopefully I can get this confirmed when I see professor #1 on Wednesday. I say hopefully, as at least that gives me a firm explanation why my body appears to go into shock every day or so. Because that’s sometimes how it feels with the ice cold limbs, thumping heart & random shaking (Although that’s rare).
I’d like someone just to tell me how to fix this, or how to slow down without letting people down. Or at the very least, how to stop it getting worse as its starting to scare me.