Crappy Parenting 101

When I was carrying Beanpole, I had images of being a Mary Poppins, Supernanny, cool, but awesome mum. Beanpole is now 8 and TinyPants is 7 and I’m ok with being a crappy parent.

I still smile at new parents of tiny people who only feed their child lentils or breast milk and who devise mentally nourishing activities for their children.

Let me tell you about yesterday’s cardinal sins:

1. always supervise your children. Lie ins are not advised. Not unless you want to stagger downstairs to what appears to be an explosion of glitter and PVA.

2. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. School holiday breakfasts are a bit more lenient than normal ‘eat the bloody cereal’ breakfasts. This morning we had beans and cheese in toast. Healthful. Even had brown toast. Children looked orange. Bean juice all over children.

3. your children reflect you. Allowing them to get dressed without supervision is always amusing (or not depending how fast we need to leave the house). Whoever said girls take more care than boys over their appearance hasn’t met mine. For me, it’s the clashing patterns that really make their outfits say ‘bad mother’. For instance, this morning TinyPants is wandering around in neon yellow & black stripes tights & a brown curly wig. I’m currently negotiating losing the wig and adding possibly shorts and tshirt before we go out. Please?

4. Always get your kids to help with shopping to give them a sense of independence.The supermarket. This is evil at the best of times, but add two over active children…. The bribe was good behaviour equals Club Penguin membership. By aisle 3, this was out the window and I was growling at them (met with sympathising looks from the other mums doing the same). I met another mum in there carrying a box of wine – she indicated her child was the reason for the alcohol / vegetable balance in her basket.

5. Garbage in, Garbage out. Lunch. This should be nutritious snack to fuel the afternoon’s activities. This does not describe our lunch. In a fit of, taste over nutrition, we bought hotdogs and smothered them in sauce. And crispy onions. This is what happens when I am deprived of coffee!


6. Children need fresh air! So we cycled to the local park. Go children, be free! (In the standard confines of the play park.) Mummy opens her book and starts to read in the sun. Bliss.

Half a page later….
“I’m bored”
“But you’re in a park!”
“It’s boring”
“It’s got a zip wire! Go play.”

Three lines later…
“I need a wee.”
“Do you want to go home?”
“Urgh. Ok.”

So we wheel the bikes to the loos and I proceed to cover my hands in grease re-attaching TinyPants’ chain back to her bike. Who knew I could do that! Then off we ride back home to make cauliflower and broccoli cheese for tea.

7. Always get enough sleep. ….or leave the kids with your parents, go to the pub and drink several bottles of pink wine with your friends. Thank god I bought coffee yesterday.

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